I'll start this off by saying that this is in no way a sympathy post. I don't want you to feel bad. This is also NOT an excuse for what I've done or said in the past.
I started playing on DEFYclan, specifically Jailbreak, around a year or two ago. I was 11, and playing on a 1.7 ghz processor, and I'll be honest it wasn't the best experience in my life. Not only did I not have a microphone, but I was lagging like a NASA rover in 1998. I broke some rules, got kicked, and eventually decided I needed a microphone to play CS:GO properly.
A month later, I rejoined with a microphone and had a blast. I was muted many times due to not having proper mic-manners. Then, I found TTT.
I love TTT, I have dozens of dozens of hours on it. I honestly love it more than most games, and love the people on it. I loved it so much my first two bans on it were due to mic-spam. Good times.
Once I was finally unbanned I was finally able to enjoy myself, respect the rules, respect the mods, and be a respectable person. (To my 11 year old self my standards were REALLY low. Even now I have a really long way to go.)
That's when I decided trolling was "hilarious", when I decided ruining other people's game was perfectly acceptable and "amusing". I never got banned, only a monumental amount of slays and mutes. Most of the time I was just super caffeinated with sugary drinks. I eventually paid the price of that when I gained weight. 2 years ago, I was an asshole. Even now, sometimes I cringe at how fucking disgusting I was as a person. I was manipulative, and disrespectful. But, I was 11. I'm going to pay the price for that cringe when I can't sleep at night and I cover myself in the sheets in pure embarrassment of what I've done in the past.
That phase ended quickly, the first phase at least. After that was an outburst of anger and temper tantrums after I was confronted with karma from older, more mature members of the community.
I said some very, very bad things. I have told people to end their lives, which I now see as COMPLETELY unacceptable. Thankfully, my squeaker voice never drove anyone to such an horrid conclusion.
Then, after this was simple toxicity. Even last year, I was quoted saying some disrespectful and plain 'bad taste' things to a member of the community. Some of it was provoked, but I started off by being a dick in the first place. I was the one in the wrong. I am the one in the wrong. I will be the one in the wrong if I do not cease this utter ignorance.
2020, two years after, I feel the cycle encompassing itself into a new form. Every single time I come onto the server I want to fight with the people I 'don't like' or believe have wronged me. I come looking for a fight. That's unacceptable, and I wish to change that by writing this post by apologizing, from the bottom of my heart.
You guys are complete strangers I met on the internet. Some I met a week ago, others, 2 years ago. Either way, my behavior towards you will give you an idea of what i'm like, and when i'm being irresponsible, then I deserve what is coming my way in the form of targeting, disrespect, taunting, etc.
I don't want to be like this anymore, and I shall not.
I'm sorry Bluezzy. I was a dick, a dickhead that was inflated on my ego.
I'm sorry Krim. Telling you to go kill yourself was such a dumb and childish thing to do, and I will never forgive myself.
I'm sorry Shado. I've ruined your experience on the TTT servers many times, and I truly wish we can, in the near or distant future, at least be respectful of each other.
I will change, and I will grow up. I promise you that!
Thank you for reading, and i'm sorry for being a dick. - Minor
TL;DR read it lol